Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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