like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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