I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
