OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
