And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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