im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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