Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
