i need an iv and a liver transplant
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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