Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
