I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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