come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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