what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
