I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
