She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
