i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
