I seem to have left my pride at pride
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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