In the future we'll all be gay
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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