I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
