I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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