How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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