I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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