just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
