Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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