Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
someone owes me an orgasm
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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