Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
