i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
