i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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