I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
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I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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