Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.