Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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