Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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