Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
it's like iHOP with fire
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
