its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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