I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
