Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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