I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
