FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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