It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
