i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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