to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
