saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
