Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
