put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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