i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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