I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
