Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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