I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
