Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
