I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
