okay pat passed out under dana's car
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
