Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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