Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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