Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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