i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
