If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
