you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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