this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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