i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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